Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She bit a glass in half.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
