I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
