There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My vagina is officially offended.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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