whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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