The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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