I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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