Moan for me like Helen Keller
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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