If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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