hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
