I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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