That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
