rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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