Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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