i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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