She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
