I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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