I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
