she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
