just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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