if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
