does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Who died my cat blue again?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize