Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
