now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
