My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
