I am in a vortex of obligation.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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