I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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