Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
