I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
