nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
