I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
