she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She announced her abortion via fbk
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
