omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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