When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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