Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
