i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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