i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
