Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
