I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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