And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Damn victory sex feels great
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
