Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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