I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
