Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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