On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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