There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize