someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
