it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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