my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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