u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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