I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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