bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
