U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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