I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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