worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
