when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
