No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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