Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize